Left To My Own Devices
I am bloody pathetic!
So here I am doing great, and taking care of myself. I’ve displayed incredible willpower and have managed to stay away from bad food. I stopped eating meat. I stopped drinking pop. I stopped drinking juice. I’ve lost weight. I’m down to 2 love handles, as opposed to a series of love handles.
And guess what?! GUESS WHAT!!! I’LL TELL YA WHAT!! THIS IS WHAT!!!
Look at how weak and greedy I am. LOOK!! This is the sight of a disgusting, and weak person. This is a person who preaches about how people need to have a spine, and get radical when it comes to taking control of their lives. And there’s our hero stuffing his face with McDonalds. I know what you’re thinking. Big deal, Doug. You had a moment of weakness, and decided to treat yourself to McDonalds.
WRONG!!! Let’s examine earlier in the day, shall we?
Hey! Look at that. There’s our hero enjoying himself at the beach. Look how happy he is. Beautiful day, just moseying around in my Tesla shirt while Queen Hell takes pictures of me. This is a moment of happiness frozen in time. I can live vicariously through this picture whenever I need a dose of serenity.
Awww. Look at that. Our hero, and his beloved little dog are enjoying a refreshing dip in the lake. NOT SO FAST!! What is wrong with this picture? I’ll tell you what is wrong. I’M WEARING A SHIRT. Not only am I wearing a shirt, but I am wearing underwear. Who goes into the water with a shirt on? I’ll tell you who. Someone who is embarrassed of their torso!
There is a lot to be said about having a woman that could put Viagra out of business. You suddenly learn humility. You get to thinking that this woman could have any man in the world. But she chose our hero. And our hero is LUCKY.
Back to the real patheticness….
There’s our hero inhaling McDonalds again. So far these pictures have been telling an extremely horrible story of a man with no willpower, or physique that doesn’t warrant barechestedness, even when in the water. These pictures have the capacity to easily ruin my life if they should ever find their way online. …. ….
Anyway, let’s talk about what you DON’T see in this picture. What you don’t see is my bottom half. I am still in my underwear. I needed to get that crap food inside me so bad, that I couldn’t even be decent enough to get back into my pants. I drove like an idiot to McDonalds, couldn’t be bothered to go inside, even though there was a line-up of legendary proportions. Nope. Mr. Weakpants sat in a stifling hot little car rubbing his hands together greedily, waiting for his awful food.
I declare this day, and myself, a failure.