Jabba_licks_his_lips_in_anticipation_of_victoryGuess who’s back!  You guessed it.  Jabba The Hutt.  After six weeks of hard work and eating properly, something happened.  Everyone’s favourite extremist got extreme.

As you all know I was on an absolute tear.  After last months doctor appointment I was cocky as all hell.  I got a glowing report.  How did I celebrate my healthy success?  I made another doctor’s appointment for August 31st so I could be cocky some more and have my blood tested.

About two days after my doctor’s appointment I went to sign up at the gym again.  But the gym was shut down for renovations.  You know what that meant for me?  It meant that I could go ahead and be a pig for the rest of the month and start fresh next month.



Yeah.  So last night I ate an entire family sized bag of Doritos.  Last week I raided a pregnant woman’s snack cupboard.  Ate a whole medium pizza myself on my way back from Toronto.  At any given time the Barack Obama Clubhouse is stocked with chips, cookies, licorice, and ice cream.  It’s pathetic.

You know what else I did?  I cancelled my bloodwork for Monday because I know I’m going to flunk.  All I’ve been doing is stuffing my face with junk.  Today alone I inhaled the following:

  • a shit-pile of Doritos (again)
  • three quarters of a bag of licorice
  • three bowls of Honeycomb cereal
  • thirteen Chunks Ahoy cookies
  • a box of Kraft Dinner
  • 9 double stuff Fudgeeo cookies
  • Queen Hell’s drumstick she was saving in MY MINI-FRIDGE WHICH I NOW HAVE IN THE BARACK OBAMA CLUBHOUSE

That’s right.  I have a mini-fridge in my office now.  Why?  Because I’m too god damn lazy to get off my ass and go to the kitchen, which is about ten feet away.  Worst of all, I smile wayyyyy too much.

Also let the records show I have consumed McDonalds no less than twice a week.  I’ve been getting an extra six pack of nuggets to go with my supersized Big Mac combo.

Luckily for me, Queen Hell has put my snacks on the shelf three feet away from me.  It was good thinking on her part because she knows there is no way in hell that I am going to get off my butt to go get them.

Fear not though, friends.  Monday is the last day of Fat Month.  I’m hitting it again.  Thankfully I haven’t gained all the heff back that I lost.  This whole health kick (before my gluttonous rampage) is not me trying to be buff or Jim Jupiter.  It’s just that I have been blessed with excellent genes and an aging very well.




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One comment so far:

  1. George says:

    You shameful, gluttonous shithead. I am happy that at least there’s some effort being made but going on a binge like that is very hard on your body and you should only eat the crap when you are sure you’ve eaten enough good stuff to counteract it.

    In November last year my boss handed me Beachbody Fitness DVD’s called P90X 3 and said, “George, you have to give fitness classes.” I hadn’t been to the gym in years and have never been to a fitness class although I was in extremely good shape when I was pipefitting. So now, 9 days out of every 14, I kick 25 year-old asses in extreme fitness classes. I love kicking their asses and then telling them that I’m 44 and have smoked for 30 years.

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Posted by: Doug Hell on