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There I was being born.  I decided to be a dude.  Because I am a dude after all.  My mom died giving birth to me.  My next memory was of my dad teaching me how to walk.  I was a year old.  Dad wasn’t so much as teaching me how to walk as he was beckoning me to walk toward him.  I did just that.  Then he left me alone in my playpen which I promptly escaped from, by opening the door.  Ingenious, I know.  I went to open the S.P.E.C.I.A.L Book and it happens.  My universe crashed.  Apparently the Fallout 3 Gods frown on using console commands to update your S.P.E.C.I.A.L stats before even getting to the damn book.

I had to start my whole adventure again.  I am reborn.  Mom dies again.  Is this what it’s like for people with Alzheimer’s Disease?  Or how about overwhelming Deja Vu?  Oh well.  Rest in peace mother.  Again.

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There’s dad beckoning me again.  Does he see me riding a bike?  I’m not his freakin’ errand boy.  I am but a mere year old.  Should I even be walking?  I don’t know.  When did YOU start walking?  Dad leaves.  So I open the S.P.E.C.I.A.L Book again.  I pick my stats.  As soon as I am done, I console command the FUCK out of things.  I now have all my stats at 100% except for Science, Medicine, and Lockpick.  It’s not because I am opposed to those skills.  I just don’t want to upset the gods again before I take my G.O.A.T Test.

Dad gets back and we fast forward to my tenth birthday party.  I am now ten so I get my own Pipboy.  Joyous rapturous day.  I thank Amata for the party.  I chastise her dad for not helping out, for I am a good person.  Not so good though that I don’t make fun of Butch’s alcoholic mom when he tries to punk me for my sweet roll.  My comments enrage Butch and he attacks me.  I evade his punches with great ease.  I don’t fight back because I am not given the option to.  But I don’t forget this crime, and I will have my revenge.

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Dad has a surprise for me.  He tells me to meet him in the basement.  As eerie as that sounds, I decide my dad’s legit and I’m not going to wake up somewhere dark, rectum on fire.

Dr. Jonas is an egghead who works with my dad.  He’s in the basement waiting for me.  Dad shows up and gives me a BB gun.  I practice my aim and  kill a radroach.  Dr. Jonas takes a picture of dad and I, and all of the sudden I am 16 years old.  Weird.

Dad is giving me a physical exam.  Oh I never mentioned he was a doctor, so get your minds out of the gutter.  He tells me I’m good enough to take the G.O.A.T test.  So I head off to class.  Egad!  There are the Tunnel Snakes.  The Tunnel Snakes are a gang of Vault 101.  Did I mention all this was going down in a vault and it’s about 200 years after World War 3?  Well now you know.

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So there are the Tunnel Snakes,   The Tunnel Snakes are Wally Mack, Paul Hannon Jr, and my nemesis, Butch DeLoria. The Tunnel Snakes are harassing my love interest, Amata.  It’s payback time.

Without a word to any of them I take my hands out of the hand netherworld and proceed to pound the sugar bombs out of the three of them, rendering all of them unconscious.  Tunnel Snakes, my arse.

I saunter into class and convince Mr. Brotch that I don’t need to take the test and can choose my own stats.  He obliges.

All of the sudden I am 19 and being woken up to the sound of an alarm and Amata.  She hysterically informs me that my father has escaped the vault and her father, The Overseer, is on a rampage.  Jonas has been killed for some inexplicable reason by vault security.  But maybe there was a reason and I just missed it.  I am sure it was dad-related.  Amata tells me I’m marked for death and I have to escape.  She gives me a pistol.  I thank her politely and don’t make any dirty or rude comments.  She is my friend.

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I take my gun.  I take whatever else I can find kicking around my room.  Then I get a little fucking crazy.

No sooner do I take my leave, along Butch comes begging me for help.  His mother is under attack by radroaches.  Butch is a bad motherfucker but he has a phobia of radroaches.  Rather than make fun of him, I decide to help him, for I know my reward.  I save Butch’s mom and get the best article of clothing in the game.  I’ll be kicking butt from here on wearing a Tunnel Snakes jacket.  Hell, I’ll even be a Tunnel Snake.  It’s not about the cause.  It’s about looking cool.

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I escape from the vault taking as many casualties as possible.  I don’t hurt any of the good guards, only the bad ones.  I even manage to gun down security officers O’Brian and Richards before they can attack Mary and Tom Holden.  Despite having killed Dr. Jonas, I spare The Overseer out of respect for Amata.  I don’t show the same quarter to any of his goons, however.  They must die.

I got the vault door open and am free.  Washington D.C. has been completely decimated by nuclear weapons.  The site is as beautiful as it is terrifying.  Click on this video to experience the magic.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

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