The Flowers Become Screams


I’m done playing punk rock.  I just don’t have the stamina anymore.  It’s weird because this is the first time I absolutely love the band I’m playing in.  Lumpy and Prentice are as efficient in brotherdom as they are at their instruments.  I know brotherdom is not a word, but you’re a cunt and I don’t care.

It’s time for Radar Hate to die.  We’re playing one last show tomorrow and then it’s the curtains.

*   *   *

About a month ago I passed a kidney stone.  It was the worst pain I’ve ever had to endure in my life.  Forget about everything you think you know about pain.  My back has been quite fucked ever since.  I’ve been walking with a cane.  My first cane broke because it was flimsy.  That and I am grossly overweight.  I have a new cane that is a little more solid.  I’ve been eating a lot better and have started walking everywhere.  And I do mean everywhere.  I’m going to get healthy.  8 months ago I quit smoking.  That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I’m going to get in shape.

*   *   *

I need to make changes in my life.  I’ve put way too much energy into saying fuck you to everyone.  It really hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  Granted it’s earned me respect in less than profitable places, but I’ve shot myself in the foot too many times, simply because I’ve ever refused to bend just a little.  I’ve learned so much in the last 6 months.  I’ve made an ass out of myself, whilst clinging to my principles for dear life.  It’s one thing to have principles and stand by them.  But it’s another thing to fuck up your life ten ways from Sunday to defend them.

*   *   *

I really don’t know how to control my emotions.  They’re a force.  A person can tell instantly if I don’t like them or not.  They feel it hit them like a ton of bricks.  I need to get a handle on that.  I have this curse.  It’s this internal radar that can gauge whether a person is good or not.  It takes about all of 5 seconds.  Then bam, my instant dislike kicks in and they are pulverized by it.  They can tell I don’t like them, and respond in kind.  Let be honest.  I like few people.  But I can get along with anyone.  It takes three seconds to be nice to someone.

*     *     *

And just like that.  The flowers become screams.  Everyone take cares of yourselves.  You owe it to yourself and everyone you love.

And just like that, the flowers become screams.


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Posted by: Doug Hell on