I, Reckoner


That’s right.  Fuck you.  What are you gonna do?  Just sit there and stew, that’s what.

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I LOVE every fiber of my being.  Allow me to explain why.  Well for starters, let’s face it.  We all know I’m a fool.  I come out here and fling poo at just about anyone who will pay attention.  I’ll fling poo at the things that mean a lot to you but don’t mean anything to me.  I fling poo at myself, because no one gets out of this unscathed.

I’m a politically incorrect (but correct) Bipolar Schizopheniespiolidocious man child who aspires to do nothing other than upset balance and make music.

But I am free.  I don’t owe anyone anything or nothing.  No one governs me.  I am probably one of about ten human beings alive who genuinely doesn’t care what people think about him.  But that isn’t even the best part.

I bring great joy and laughter to good people.  I infuriate bad people.  It’s fucking true.  I am a real life superhero.  I am The Reckoner.  My mere existence gives good people strength and bad people ulcers, and anxiety.  If you love me, it’s because you’re a good person.  If you hate me, it’s because you know I can see the real you and it makes you incandescent with rage.  It makes you jealous because I have the balls to be the real me and you are a parody of what you desperately want people to believe about you.  Or in short, you’re an angry piece of shit who will die angry and alone.

I live a charmed life.  I am blessed and fortunate for who and what I am.  I am the most powerful man in the world.  My mere existence destroys bad people and inspires good people.  I em eternally thankful for that.  You can suggest this knowledge is nothing more than schizophrenic delusions of grandeur, but if you honestly believed that were true, then you wouldn’t have that angry little knot in your stomach as you read this.  You wouldn’t even be here.  But you can’t stay away.  Because I fucking own you.  You’re my bitch.

See you next blog, you spineless mind slave.


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Can You Take Me Low Enough?

I am a loner in myself.  I am a loner lonelying on the land of loneliness.  I have no father.  I have no mother.  I just have—- JULIO FUCKING IGLESIAS.

I have a sweet new computer.  I’ve been having a bad run with them so hopefully this one will knock it out of the park.  My friend (smirk) was nice enough to loan me the spray to buy it.  I love loany friends.  Especially when they don’t expect ridiculous payment in return.  One guy was atrocious.  He bought me a futon for a hundred bucks.  I had to pay him back 300 bucks.  He loaned me 350 dollars for an amp.  I had to pay back 500.  Wanna know what else?  JULIO FUCKING IGLESIAS

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So recently I’ve faced ridiculous backlash over taking down my negative posts.  One suggested that they’re merely words and those offended by them are far too easily offended.  While that’s very true, I was taking to it too far.  How, you ask?  JULIO FUCKING IGLESIAS.

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In ten years I’ll be a millionaire and everyone I hate will be dead.

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I was supposed to join the Cadillac Bill Show but now I’m not going to.  I got a bit of a run around.  That’s ok.  I’m gonna start the Doug Hell Show.  I’m a better character.  It’s gonna rock.  If there are any interesting people out there who would like to be a part of this, please let me know.  Or fuck a duck.

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I Don’t Want To Live On The Moon

This is one echo from a memory that will resonate with me until I die. When I feel a little alone or feel we don’t love each other enough as human beings I’ll give this a spin, and stare at nothing. I’m not sure if that’s therapy or a touch of madness. But I can go back there anytime.

Let’s love each other. Stop hiding behind the excuse that humans are just shitty in general. Unshitty yourself. Today.

I love you all.

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I Let Down My God And Lit Up A Smoke

I am evil.

Apparently I can kill people with my mind.  If this is true then you’re all fucked.

What is it about my energy that people just can’t live without?  People are drawn to me.  I am polite.  I am cordial.  No one will ever get less than that if they are the same to me, regardless of my feelings toward them.  But when someone tries to get closer to me and I don’t reciprocate, they go nuts.  I don’t get that.  I like to be alone.  I like to keep to myself.  I’m irritable and high strung.  My bowels don’t work properly.  Yet people NEED my attention.  And if you don’t get the attention you need, there is hell to pay.  Pun intended.

Look.  I am not a hater.  I don’t hate anyone.  Hate is a very strong word.  I’m indifferent I would say.  I am capable of great love but I don’t believe in flippant relationships.  Love hard man.   Girls don’t get over me.  Ex-friends don’t get over me.  There is no life after Doug Hell.  Losing my love is a very hard pill to swallow.

This isn’t a schizophrenic delusion of grandeur.  It’s just grandeur.  There is no shame in being artistically brilliant.  There is no shame in having the balls to call bullshit.  I’ve stood up to bullies my whole life.  And we all know what happens to bullies when you stand up to them.  Fuck bullies.  They’re just going to die alone.

Thanks for tuning in guys.  I found out the Doug Hell documentary is going to be called Going Home To Die.  It will be released in October for a private viewing and then it’s going to be shopped to the American market.  Will it succeed?  I want to be humble and say I don’t know.  But it will succeed.  Why?  Because I am interesting.  Because I am fascinating.   Whether you love me or hate me you’re still here reading every word.  And I love that.

Whether you love me or hate me, you’re a fan of my writing, and that’s all I really ask.

What does she see in me?  I’m sure every girl I’ve been with has been asked that quesstion.  Not because I’m unattractive.  Oh no sirs and ma’ams.  I’m very attractive.  But what she sees in me is what I let her see in me.  She gets a version of me that NO ONE else alive gets.  My best representation of myself is a special gift I give to her because I love her.  You can’t have that.  Maybe not you in particular, but you for the most part.  You know if you hold the magic or not.

Anyway, I can’t apologize enough for the bullshit I’ve been spewing the last month or so.  I’ve taken all the blogs down.  If there are any of you out there who want copies for legal reasons or just want to show your colleagues how nuts I am, just let me know and I’ll send you copies of everything.  Thanks for the attention.  It’s people like you who feed my legend.

10200235845919155I apologize when apologies are due, but I will never ever ever fucking ever apologize for being amazing. 🙂

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Your Guitar Came To Me In A Dream


Ok so I’ve agreed to stop being a pirate out here.  That’s fine.  I can work with that.  My behavior had gotten pretty bad.  I can’t just shut down the site.  I have an obligation to people to be me to the best of my ability without being a cunt about it.  Again, I can work with that.

I’ve been through a lot of trauma in the last 8 months or so.  Not a lot of people could stand what I’ve been through.  I reacted poorly.   I behaved badly and it won’t happen again.  I don’t need forgiveness.  I just need peace.  From now on I’m not going to reject someone before they have a chance to reject me.  It’s more than people can handle, and rightly so.  I am the reckoner.  You can’t hide your sins when I stand close by.  I’m not going to apologize for that.  It’s my curse.

So there is going to be a Doug Hell documentary that will be released October.  Imagine that.  I have no hand in this project.  I can only really love it or hate it when it comes out.  I hope it’s the former.  At the very least I hope it’s a good representation of me.

I promised the death of Doug Hell.  As far as a new name goes I haven’t figured it out yet.  The documentary people will be coming to interview me soon.  I guess I’ll reveal it then…..

Thanks for tuning in guys.  Again, I apologize for turning this site into a quagmire of idiocy.  Many of you have noticed that I have started deleting blogs.  I will continue to do so.  There will be no more hate.  I’m not a hateful person.  I’m have the biggest heart you can’t imagine.  But only the best of you reap the benefits of it.

Everyone take care.


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It Wasn’t So Much The Chords As It Was The Words

Ok so I’ve been going through the slop on this site and trying to get rid of any kind of venomous nonsense that could potentially hurt people.  I got a little carried away there with dick moves.  It’s over.  It’s time to make all this about the music and whatever else.

I got a new computer.  It’s a beast.  You can program missiles with it.  NASA is jealous.  Fallout 4 shenanigans are coming.

I’ll be in touch.  I must rid the Boston Commonwealth of scum.

Much love, Doug.

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Get Out Of My World


I’m disappointed in you people.  Your second hand sentences.  Your bastardization of love.  You don’t know love.  I know love.

I got medication.  I got dedication.  I got ammunition.

Sooner or later I’m gonna cut God down.

I’m not a basket case,  I’m the echoes swirling around in your mind.

I’ve paid dues that you couldn’t afford.

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Was It Christmas Or Groundhog Day When Your Friends Turned To Shadows?

The other night I ended up in a bar.  Not to drink.  Drinking is something weak people do to mask how pathetic their lives are.  I get giddy when I think about how pathetic my life is.  I don’t need alcohol getting in the way of that.

Anyway I ended up at The Atria Bar And Grill.  My man, Johnny Ross, shot me a text to come by.  I obliged him.  But I soon wished I didn’t.

When him and his boyfriend took the stage, they opened with Wheat Kings, by Tragically Hip.  OK I can work with that.  The singer is going to die from AIDS or something.  People are sad.  Ok.

So after that they played Tuesday’s Gone by Lynard Skynard.  Ok.  Well with it being a Wednesday and it all that kinda made sense too.  Kinda.  Yeah.  Kinda.

Well after that they played Mother by Pink Floyd.

At that point I fucking had about enough.  in a fit of rage I grabbed my guitar and stormed out of the place.  I even skated on my tab.  It just dawned on me now I still haven’t been back to pay it.  I better get on that.  First thing tomorrow.

A few minutes later Johnny Ross sent me a text asking me why I left.  I simply told him I was in a good mood until I had to sit through their weepy drivel and that I wasn’t about to stick around and wait for Piano Man.


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The Bitch Slap Heard Around the World


I love affairs.  There is nothing more sexy and romantic than having an affair.  It makes me feel good and whole inside.

But if you’re going to have an affair, do it right.  Have it with a bunch of bitches who live in the city you grew up in.

This only feels good if you’re living in a city 2 and a half hours away.  But here’s the clincher.  You gotta take the 407.  For my fans outside of Canada, the 407 is a pay-toll highway or whatever it’s called.  It’s just not sexy unless you run up a 407 bill.

Don’t spend your time crying with loved ones about the sad state of your life.  Put your time to good use and have affairs.  You’re only fucking yourself over it you don’t.

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I realize my headline on this site has to do with poetry and madness or some other gay shit.  I’m too lazy to hit HOME right now and check.  I spent the evening smoking crack and kicking the shit out of elderly people making their way out of the bingo hall downtown.  I’m tired.

Regardless, I know you all think this site is a big joke, but it’s not.  I was dead serious about that AA shit.   I was joking about fucking my cousin.  Oh for crying out loud.  How the hell are you supposed to know when I am kidding and when I am being serious?  Well I don’t feel an overwhelming urgency to explain my art, because fuck you.

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Doug Hell And His Problems played their first show last Saturday night.  It was problematic.  But I was there.   Therefore you are all a bunch of circus midgets, and I am not.

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What would you rather have?  A bottle of gel “ultimate hold”, or an ultimate cinnamon roll?

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I am a Negro.

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