Echoes Of A Dream

When I was 26 years old I had about enough of Hamilton’s shit.  I had spent 13 years there previously.  Hamilton did me no good.  I thought Hamilton was to blame for my problems.  I had just got out of an abusive acrimonious relationship with the mother of my son, who was only two at the time.  I wasn’t ever positive he was my son because my so called best friend was fucking her at the same time.  I hated Hamilton.

I began drinking extremely heavily.  After about two weeks of this I deduced I was an alcoholic and went to see my friend, Garth, for help.  Garth worked at a group home I was a previous resident in.  Garth got me in touch with a rehab facility in Ottawa.  I was excited about the prospect of having a new start somewhere else.

My problems didn’t end in Ottawa.  I lasted two months in rehab before moving in with a girl.  Her and I met on the bus as I was on my way to an AA meeting.  Things moved really fast.  We moved in together.  I went back to school.  I was taking a remedial computer course.

Janine was her name.  She had recently moved from England with her family.  She was a gorgeous girl who managed to have nice teeth and an absolutely beautiful accent.  She was very clingy however.  But her clinginess aside, I was not really present in the relationship.  She used to cheat.  How did I deal with that?  Well I would tell myself that I should try to be more present in the relationship and that is was my fault she was cheating.  Cheating is never ok but I have to admit that I was a horrible fucking boyfriend.  Cheating breaks a lot of people.  But for me I would look at what was causing the cheating.  I’m sure some people cheat for the sheer fun of it, but I can’t help feeling like I deserved it a little.

This was right around the time I became Doug Hell.  I was living with Janine and a guy named Jack Martin.  One day a laughing Jack came to me waving a cheque from the government in my face addressed to “Doug Hell”.  He thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world and started addressing me as Doug Hell.  it caught like wildfire.  Before you knew it, everyone was referring to me as Doug Hell.  Not Doug.  Doug Hell.

I’m such a dick.  Here I am telling a story and off I go on a tangent.

So one day Janine and Jack ran off to be together.  I shrugged my shoulders.  Better him than me.  Let him put up with her bullshit.  Three days later while I was at work I got a call from her wanting to come back.  Sure.  She uses this guy to get her rocks off and then she wants the emotional stability from me.

I laughed and hung up the phone.  Within months I was dating my future wife.  Janine ended up living in the apartment next door to us.  It was a hard ride for her.

I wish I knew how it felt to be jealous.   I’ve never been a jealous boyfriend.  I’ve been cheated on.  No one has ever been killed as a result.  I usually just try to be objective see how I contributed.

Ultimately, I’m just a bad boyfriend.  I’m impossibly picky and shallow.  I have unrealistic expectations.  I’m never ever ever present in my relationships.  I drive my significant others nuts.  And rightly so.  I’m too arrogant and self-absorbed to be in a relationship.  I’m a great friend.  Music is my mistress.  No human being can make me feel the way music does.  I am one with it.

I’m glad I finally realized this.  There doesn’t have to be any more casualties.  If a girl I’ve ever been with has nothing but ire for me than that ire is well deserved.

I suck.


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