I know I said the last post would be my last post but I thought I would share something with you. I’M GONNA LIVE!!! Fuck me. I got a good look at my crap this morning. It was huge, healthy, solid, and SSSTANKY! And when I say I got a good look at it, you best believe I got a good look at it. How? BECAUSE I HAD TO SHIT IN A FUCKING BAG AGAIN!!! This is ridiculous. A week ago I had two room mates. Now I have fucking 4 of them. You know what this is? Karma.
When Smiley and I were kids we used to shit in bags. We would use those very bags of shit to vandalize and terrorize. It started out as just throwing them at walls just to hear the spectacular splatting sounds. But when that activity lost its shine we graduated to throwing them in office buildings and the like. When that got tedious we started hanging them on people’s door knobs, knocking on door, and running away. We never ran far though. It was imperative we witnessed the disgusted reactions of our victims. The victims were never random either. We made sure to pick the most irate assholes with the worst tempers. You know the asshole who would freak out if your soccer ball ended up on their lawn? It’s a shame we couldn’t record the reactions of those people. You kids have it too easy these days. In fact. I am tempted to pull that shit now, even in my fourth decade of life. Because here I am 30 years later and it doesn’t seem any less hilarious. But most importantly is we now have the technology to document it.
That being said, I am putting together a team of shitbombers. Must be able to mass produce feces at a spectacular rate. We’ll need someone handy with a camera. We’ll need muscle to do the actual shit drop.
The camera part is important though. We have to get excellent quality of the disgusting incidents to post on Youtube. We’ll also need an efficient video editor. Faces will definitely need to be blurred out for legal reasons. Not mine though. I’m going to wear Kiss make-up of something. Or maybe not. I’ll be an extremely happy clown. While whatever victim is freaking the fuck out in the background, I’ll dance around and wave in the foreground.
Ok I had to shit again while I was typing all this, IN A BAG AGAIN. Maybe it’s not such a good idea.
Needless to say, after we got sick of hanging bags on doorknobs we decided to loiter around the parking lot of the supermarket. On particularly hot and sunny days patrons would leave their windows down to their cars.
One week we hit the jackpot when I had the stomach flu. I was literally urinating out my asshole. We actually carried around a backpack full of bags and toilet paper. I was defecating in abundance.
One day we chose a huge station wagon. Remember this was the 80s and station wagons were those big boats with wood paneling on the side. It was driven by an immensely fat man it his 50s. We waited until his lumbering bulk disappeared into the supermarket, then I made my move.
I dumped every single drop of poop water all over the driver seat. I was methodical and articulate making sure I covered every bit of the seat. Even after the entire area was covered I kept pouring, assuring that it absorbed good and deep. And it smelled BAD. Usually we can tolerate the smell of our own waste and sometimes even enjoy it. But I was gagging the whole time I poured it.
With the deed done, Smiley and I sat on the grassy part of the property faux innocently waiting for the fat patron to return. About an hour later the victim emerged from the store pushing an overstocked cart full of groceries looking pleased.
His pleasure would be very short lived….
He wheeled the cart around to the back of the station wagon. Even at our modest distance we could see his face contorted into rage and disgust. He instantly doubled over and began wretching. That was all Smiley and I could take. We both started laughing uproariously. And it didn’t get any less funny. Watching the guy trying to drive away standing up was a glorious and hilarious site I’ll never ever ever be able to unsee. Smiley does a spot on impression of the guy that makes me howl every time without fail.
Let’s face it. This blog gets ridiculous more often than not and some of the stories are just a bunch of venomous nonsense. But this one is one hundred per cent true.
It’s definitely karma. Because I have to shit again. AND SOMEONE IS IN THE BATHROOM.
Ok the shit bags are really starting to accumulate. Either this is indeed really karma or the universe is telling me I need to do it again and providing me with a arsenal. Maybe I could get the old team back together. Old team being Smiley but he’s living a vapid life with his aesthetically pleasing wife beautiful on the outside, down syndrome crayon eater on the inside. But who knows? Maybe he’ll come out of retirement to wreak havoc (pun intended).
That wouldn’t work. He’s too hellbent on being unstable enough to maintain a solid friendship.
Smiley had stones though. I remember him going to the door of the Chinese guy who owned the Smoke N. Gift at the aforementioned supermarket plaza. He literally knocked on the guy’s door. Without fail the Chinese guy answered already chewing on what was likely to be that evening’s dinner. Smiley explained he was from the boy scouts and was giving free samples of cookies. In actuality Smiley was holding a paper bag of cat shit half full. The Chinese guy lit up and greedily snatched the bag. It wasn’t at all suspicious Smiley’s uniform was a Twisted Sister concert shirt and ripped jeans. The far too overjoyed chink thrust his hand inside the bag and instantly his face contorted into surprise and nefarious devastation. His eyes widened so gigantically I thought they were going to pop. A slow but adamant screeching sound began to escape him before he started spitting out what I was positive were Chinese expletives.
WAWWWW HOYA HOYA HOE NAMA——–
Smiley ran away doubled over in laughter as the shrieking continued.
NAWWWWWW HOYA HOYA WAWWWWWWWWWWWWW———–
The hilarious part of this is I am listening to my music playlist right now and Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers is playing.
WAWWWWWWW HOYA HOYA NAWWWWWWWWWWWWW WAWWWWWWWWWWW HOYA–
You did not need a translator to know this man was pissed and Smiley suddenly didn’t have a future. Neither did I because I was going to die from laughter.
And I’m not finished. We decided at that point we’ve exhausted all our poop options. The only thing left was direct engagement. We would fling a bag of poop directly at a very unfortunate target. And we did. It was the lady who worked at the Amity. She was a sweet and goodly woman. Had an accent. I’m not sure what it was. But Smiley and I decided to change things up a bit.
It was a slow shit week. So right up until the day we struck we would stand out front of her trailer without our arms folded looking intimidating to probably no one else in the world but this poor frail old woman. We would stand there in our buffalo stances while she would meekly stare back.
“Vut do you vant vrom me?: She would inquire. We would say nothing. We just stared back silently telepathically promising a bad thing in the very near future.
The big day finally came. After eating a large chunk of Exlax, I was a shitting machine. We filled a bag to the usual level to maximize flinging power and velocity. We calmly but steadfastly marched over to the Amity and knocked on the door politely. The lady answered with a polite smile only to begin to frown when she saw it was us.
“Hello ma’am. I am sure at your age you’ve experienced much tragedy and loss. But other than those tragic times, I promise this to be the worst day of your fucking life!”
I wound up to pulverize her with the shit bag. But in my primal geture I accidentally splattered Smiley who was standing too close behind me, completely saturating him.
“Glurg! the fuck?!”
The Amity lady’s eyes widened in horror and slammed the door. A furious Smiley lunged at me hugging me. I desperately tried to break his grip but he was too strong. Smiley was always stronger than me. But in his ill timed rage he had superhuman strange. I wasn’t going anywhere. He dry humped me in a bear hug screaming at me.
After a hideous minute of poop sex we heard the sound of female laughter. We stopped wrestling and looked up to see see Rosemary Logue, and Vicky Bardy pointing and laughing at us. Smiley and I looked at each other and nodded through clenched teeth. We rushed the girls. They screamed in unison and tried fruitless to flee in terror. That wasn’t happening. Smiley and I had years of experience being chased by people who wanted to kill us. We ran them down with great ease, tackling them and repeating the ritual of poop humping.
* * *
After spending a week in Syl Apps Youth Center in Oakville, Smiley and I were subjected to weeks of psychological assessments. The common consensus was that we were very disturbed individuals. I didn’t see the big deal. So we liked to have a little fun with poop. Sorry but playing nicky nicky 9 doors was so 70s. This was the 80s and we had to be creative.
Regardless, we were both deemed nutjobs and were probation ordered to stay away from each other. We didn’t. The whole not getting seen together just added another new and exciting dynamic to our skullduggery. The angry catshit Chinese man was kicked out of our townhouse complex. He was rumoured to have put a bounty on Smiley’s head. I was sent to foster care to be separated from Smiley. All this because of poopy fun. It seemed really harsh.
Needless to say, that was the end of our poopiness. Well for the most part. When I was 27 I used to work the night shift at McDonalds, sanitizing the kitchen. I didn’t like the guy who cleaned the lobby and bathrooms. So about once a month I would write POOP on the wall with my own poop. Any more often than that I would have been busted because of my DNA and poopmanship. There was also an incident when I was with Sparkles and Berger in Pickering. Radar Hate was recording our demo :Keep On Freebasing In A Rock World”, We were on a lunch break at Denny’s I wrote Radar Hate on the wall of a bathroom stall in shit. That we did get on video.
Other than those isolated incidents, there haven’t been other scandalous poop incidents to speak of.
Just so you know. I’m still not convinced I am not dying. And I can assure you it’s serious. I will get it looked at. But I really hope it is fatal. I’m running out of patience with life. You can’t just kill people. You start doing that and you’re only solving their problems and creating new ones for yourself.
Thanks for tuning in guys.