I’ll Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

Well I was getting ready to get the ball rolling for the Doug Hell Show.  One of the people I’ve asked to participate brought their guns to town.  Rather than let me help them attain the limelight they’ve been desperately trying to achieve for years they’ll never get because a lack of the wealth of things I have, they tried to act like me, to disastrous results.  Hey be real, but at least know what the fuck you’re talking about.  And that is all the attention I am going to give the matter.  And the saddest part to all this is they’ll gleefully exclaim I walked away because they gave me “what for” as opposed to a premonition into bitchery from cheap neurosis.

I trudge on, solo, being fascinating.

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Back to the Doug Hell show.  Shooting begins today.  I have a crew.  No producer.  I am the producer.  I may not be fancy but I have an eye for competent continuity and other great things.  I’m a fucking God.  But you all know that.

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I have not forgotten about this blog people.  I did get an XBOX 1 recently and it’s been consuming a great deal of my time.  I’m also looking for real estate in the disgusting Durham Region.  Don’t tell me you don’t want me here anyway.  Without me you’re all just a tree in the fucking forest.  I bring you all purpose.  THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER DOUG HELL.

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My hair is getting long again.  Incidentally it’s gorgeous on me.  I think I’ll go with it.  I have a gigantic head.  Years of inflated ego will do that to a man.  But the long hair brings balance.

Later.

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All Hail The Garbage People

Fuck off TWD.  Fuck you right in the fucking neck.  What the fuck were you thinking?  First colossal mistake you made was casting Jeffery Dean Morgan as Negan.  Now you’ve added a new settlement.  The fucking garbage people and their female Frankenfurter leader.   It wasn’t enough for The Kingdom, Alexandria, and Hilltop.  You added a new fucking community of poo-flinging idiots.  Why?  WHY?!

Never mind earlier in the season when you threw in that stupid community of exclusively women.  Are they even going to be back?  Or was that just some retarded side-story for Tara.  Eat a dick.  You turned Morgan into a self-righteous sanctimonious ninja.  Then you had to give us a backstory as to how and why.  I’m getting sick of this shit.

If you want to keep me as a fan, you’ll have the garbage people destroyed in the next episode.  And I mean destroyed.  I want them all zombie fodder.  I want Jeffery Dean Morgan to resign as Negan.  Bring in John Ham.  Did I spell that right?  Make him swear a lot like he does in the comics.  Do this and I promise to remain a loyal fan.  Also get Daryl to turn Tara from lesbianism.  If anyone could do it, we know it’s my boy.  Get the fuck on this.

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To all you idiots out there who think they can give me advice, don’t.  I don’t need it.  I’m at point Z while you’re bumbling around on point K or L.  Fuck off.  You’re stupid.  I’m smart.  You know what?  I’m not even smart.  I’m wise.  Maybe I am not even wise.  But fact of the matter is I have an inordinately high IQ that makes living in a world full of fucking morons extremely daunting.

Fuck you all and leave me the hell alone.

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So I met the father of a friend the other day.  He was a really nice guy, much as his son is.  His son’s name is Vorpal.  I’ve always admired Vorpal.  Vorpal is straight edge.  Oh wait.  Sorry.  No he’s not.  He drinks now.  What?  He drinks now?  What?  Why?  He has a gigantic tattoo on his chest that says STRAIGHT EDGE FOR LIFE.  What?  And he drinks now?  I’ve heard a lot of bullshit about people eating crow for having their exes names tattooed on them.  Oh poo!  So fucking what!  There is obviously some significance there.  But having STRAIGHT EDGE FOR LIFE tattooed on you only to start drinking?  WHAT THE FUCK?!

The best though?  I found out this little piece of information from my friend’s nice guy father.  What did father say?  Oh his new girlfriend likes to drink so he has decided to loosen up and have some drinks himself.  Sure it sounds logical and jolly when you say it out loud.  But I can’t fucking stand it.  So after all the sanctimonious lecturing about the straight edge way, you’ve decided to start drinking because YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND LIKES TO DRINK!?

Don’t get me wrong.  I still like this guy but I am very disappointed and have lost a lot of respect.  Shame on you, Vorpal.

Anyway guys I am out.  PEACE!!!

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Doug Days Are Over

Please stop emailing me.  Jesus, please stop emailing me.  I am aware of my lack of updates.  Suffer.  It took me a week to get settled.  It took another week for me to give a fuck.  There is some food for thought.  If one doesn’t truly give a fuck, then why say so?

I’ve declared war on my innards.  The last few days I’ve been swearing by my Mucillum.  Today I took a crap that was at least three feet long.  That’s no exaggeration.  It felt fucking great.  I haven’t dropped a deuce like that since 1989.

This site sucks and I can’t believe you come here.  I decided to go through it today to see what the allure is.  The music is horrible.  The writing is ok, but a vanity project at best.  What the fuck are you doing here?  And then when I don’t write for a couple days I start getting emails.  I’ll bet you idiots would stop emailing me if I started posting the emails.

I’m in Ajax now.  And let me tell you, it fucking sucks moose cock.  I know I like to clown on Toronto, but fact of the matter is I’m just bitter that I can’t afford to live there.  Ajax SUCKS.  The thing I hate most about Ajax is it reminds me of everything else in life that I hate.  Like people who say hangry.  That’s fucking stupid and not clever.  The last thing I was to hear out of some unoriginal twatface’s mouth when I’m hungry and pissed off, is that I am “hangry.”  Fuck you.  You suck.  You should be shot and pissed on.

All the Wednesday 13 drama has finally died down.  That was fun while it lasted.  Alas, my 15 minutes are up.  It’s back to being mentally ill and old for me.

So when I quit smoking I decided to put the money I was spending on cigarettes into a savings account.  Last week I saw the guitar of my dreams.  It’s a Gibson Starburst.  Queen Hell convinced me to bust into my savings and get it.  There was some inspirational reason for it but I can’t remember, nor do I care.  Queen Hell is awesome.  So is this guitar.  I will leave it to my son, Riley, when I die.  Riley is 20 and a nifty little songsmith himself.

I gotta go.  I’m tired and hungry.  Plus Queen Hell is messaging me and I love her.

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The Man With The Diamonds In His Eyes

THE MAN WITH THE DIAMONDS IN HIS EYES

I DON’T CARE WHAT THE BOOK SAYS
MY SPINE WON’T LET ME DOWN
SOMETIMES LIFE IS HARD AND IT GETS US DOWN
MATTHEW WASN’T GRIPPED BY INSANITY
PETER NEVER LOST A WIFE
PAUL NEVER FELT THE NEED TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE

SONNY BOY IT WAS GOOD TO KNOW YOU
YOU’D STILL BE HERE IF I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU
NOW I’M THE MAN WITH THE DIAMONDS IN HIS EYES

SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN DEFECTIVE
THOSE NEVER HAD A CHANCE
INVISIBLE FIRES CORRUPT THEIR DESIRES TO DANCE

SOME OF US CLING TO THE SHADOWS
WHERE WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER BE JUDGED
NOT ALL DARKNESS IN OUR HEARTS CAN BE CURED BY LOVE

SONNY BOY IT WAS GOOD TO KNOW YOU
YOU’D STILL BE HERE IF I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU
NOW I’M THE MAN WITH THE DIAMONDS IN HIS EYES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sl12yQMWRLc&feature=youtu.be

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The Doug Hell Show – Trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVXCfe2SQeg&feature=youtu.be

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The Sun Is Shining But The Sky’s Still Grey

Oh goodness.  I am such a diva.  I’m too intolerant of way too many things.  It’s pretty much to the point I need to be alone constantly.  There are people who are exceptions I suppose.  Queen Hell is definitely one of them.  There are a few others.  A few.

It’s weird being me.  I had no idea it was bizarre to not be able to handle someone engaging me.  I’d rather people ignore me.  I don’t want to talk.  I WILL NOT engage in small talk.  What a pointless endeavour.

If I became the new God of the world, there would be a lot of changes.  The following offenders would immediately be eradicated:

– loud chewers
– loud belchers
– people who fart anywhere but a bathroom
– bullies
– mothers who make the father’s life miserable and use kids against them
– people who get hammered knowing there is a chance they’ll be disruptive when they are
– sensationalists
– anyone who relies on substances to function
– people who don’t signal when driving
– people who sprint for their cars after getting off the GO Train
– cheapskates
– one sided conversationalists

This list in definitely going to grow right along with my high strungness.  I know that.  I just might start another page for it.  I suppose I could do one for things I love too.

I’m having problems making a new album.  I was supposed to go to St. Thomas to do that but the city doesn’t want me.  What city does want me?  Oshawa!  I can’t go back to Oshawa.  I am tired of running open mics and seeing the same old people and hearing the same old songs.  Oshawa is weird.  The musicians there aspire to be huge in Oshawa but nowhere else.  No one wants to do anything original.  They want to sound like their favourite band.  95% of the bands there are so fucking mediocre.

So now I’m in Ajax.  Ajax is ok if not extremely uninspiring.  I’ve decided the next place I am going to live in is going to be an actual house.  I don’t care what city it is.  Writing has taken precedence over music it seems.  I’m fine with that.  I played a show last Saturday and just wasn’t into it.  I will always make music but I think it’s time to think about doing something else.  I’ve been stagnating on a meager pension for thirteen years.

Interviews for the Doug Hell documentary will be starting February 18.  I’m looking forward to this movie being made.  Let’s face it.  We all know I’m my favourite subject.   There is nothing I would love more than to watch a full length movie about me, every day.

Also on my list of things to do is an indie mockumentary.  I’ll need people to act.  I’ll also need songs.  You won’t receive any money.  I’m doing this as inexpensively as possible.  I have to like it too.  I’m not just going to accept any piece of shit song.  I can promise you a sweet movie though.  I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything bad artistically.

Alright guys.  Let me know if you want to contribute in any way.  You know my email.

Cheers.

DH

 

 

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Thursday 14

CLICK ON IMAGE BELOW TO ENLARGE

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I Am Friday 15

Well that was balls.  Joseph Poole, you are a poser and a parody of darkness.  Your target demograph consists of teenagers, fat misfits, failed goths, and pseudo-badasses gone horribly wrong.  How does that feel for you?  While you’re singing songs about Frankenstein and Leatherface, I am keeping it real.  Your fans are going to come to me when they turn eighteen.  They’re going to want a real man of darkness, not a poser.

What the fuck were you even thinking?  Who does that?  Someone calls you out for being a pathetic waste of life, and you retaliate by calling your fans to arms in an attempt to bully me?  Jesus fucking Christmas.  Are you new?  Sure.  Assemble a bunch of fucking RETARDS who are only going to make you look worse, not to mention petty for going such lengths to set me straight.  Are you one of those little bitches who can’t handle the thought of someone not liking you?  Never mind all the fucking publicity it brought me.  You only further cemented my reputation of the world’s biggest asshole.

I know if I were going to start a turf war in Australia, I wouldn’t send a bunch of Americans with Down Syndrome.  You want to fight me, Joeseph?  Call it.  You wanna box?  Let’s do it.  You want a have a spelling bee?  Let’s do it.  Want to see who can get a better band onstage?  Bring it on, Clownshoes.  You want to bring your acoustic guitar and showcase your songwriting?  I’m in.  I will fucking spank you, son.

Way to use a formula that works.  Dress up like Rob Zombie and Elvria’s bastard son.  Sing about scary monsters.  Act like a little toughass.  Congratulations.  You are making a generation of underage retards feel tough.

I’ll stick to being real.  Me being real has earned the respect of your fans with above-average intelligence.  They have joined the TRUE dark side.  They want to be inspired by a real monster.  Not a middle-aged cartoon character pretending he’s still in his twenties.

You’re a joke.  I, Doug Hell, am calling Joseph Poole, man of cartoony darkness, best friend of Marilyn Manson, shitty singer,  quasi-celebrity who can’t fill a club in Toronto, A FUCKING JOKE.  What are you going to do about IT?  Make another LYING post, calling on your dipshit fans to save the day?  Awesome.  More fodder.  More publicity.

You must have a lot of time seeing you won’t ever have to write an acceptance speech for the rock and roll hall of fame.

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