Where Geriatrics Fear To Strut

I’m old.

I get ridiculous ideas from time to time.  OK let’s be honest.  I get ridiculous ideas regularly and often.

My life is very mood oriented.

Recently I got a hair brained scheme to have a bunch of t-shirts printed up reading, DOUG HELL SAYS GO FUCK YOURSELF.  It seemed like a great idea at the time.  Let’s be clear about this.  I was likely in a bad mood at the time.  So in the spirit of my seething anger I made the scholarly decision to spend 600 dollars on obnoxious shirts.

You know what’s even worse?  The things are selling like Viagra in a nursing home.  You’re thinking, oh well that’s great.  Well no it’s not.  I’m now making even more enemies.  Enemies I haven’t even met.  This is getting serious.

Twenty years ago I would have eaten this up.  I’m not so sure now.  I’m becoming all the things I thought I would never become.   I used to take great pride in an email like this:

Hi Doug Hell

I hear you told me to go fuck myself.  I’ll see you around.  But you won’t see me.


Great.  This is just he shit I need.  Like enough people don’t hate me already.  Now what the hell am I supposed to do?  I just bought a dump in Parkdale.  I spent 900 grand on a Victorian house of ill repute.  Soon people will know I am there.  It’s only a matter of time before it’s vandalized.  

I hide in terror.

*     *     *

What the fuck is up with ugly people?  God I hate ugly people.  I’m not ugly shaming either.  Almost a year ago I met the ugliest woman alive.  The problem?  She has no idea how fucking ugly she is.  The bigger problem is that good men who have spent too much of their lives with other ugly people will not realize how ugly this person is and mistake them for not being so ugly.  But fact of the fucking matter is they’re just a different kind of fucking ugly and they’re so used to ugly that anything that isn’t the same ugly doesn’t seem ugly.  Come on men!  Give your fucking heads a shake!  YOU CAN DO BETTER.

*     *     *

Dear ugly women.  Stop hating on beautiful women because you are ugly.  I’m SICK of ugly women hating on beautiful women.    There are two kinds of ugly women.  There is the kind who will fucking hate anyone beautiful because they’re jealous.  Then there is the kind who will befriend the beauty and champion her and act like they’re an authority on the hottie.  Fuck off you ugly bitches.  You’re not allowed near me or my queen ok?  I have no time for UGLY.

*     *     *

The Doug Hell show will resume when I make my move to Toronto.  I’m not feeling inspired too much these days.  I’ve been too busy getting drunk and harassing handicapped people.  I should be taping that shit but apparently it’s illegal.  Does this mean I’m not allowed to blog while intoxicated?

*     *     *

So I know I talk about this every year or so, and usually I don’t follow through, but I feel like I have enough recording goods to be a new Doug Hell album.  Oh right, I’ve talked about this and it’s still been 7 years since I put out an album.  What do you people want from me?

I’m going to do it as soon as I move.  I promise.  I PROMISE!

*     *     *

I’m currently working on reparations with people.  By working on them, I mean I am just letting go of old animosities and not poking the bear.  I don’t understand what makes me tick.  I don’t know why I get off on people not liking me.  I have literally no explanation for that one.

Regardless, if I’ve pissed you off in the past, I am sorry.  There are a few exceptions however.

– the ugliest bitch I ever met (I can’t use her real name and hurt the feelings of good people)
– Badge (biggest mouthpiece and coward breathing)
– my stepdad (I’m bigger than you now – don’t bring your board to a knife fight)
– my ex-wife (second ugliest bitch I’ve ever met)
– Rachel Fraser/Young (fat sociopath who stole my son from me)
– Michele with one L ( third ugliest bitch I ever met)

Hey!  HEY!  How is this supposed to be enlightening at all?!  Here I was trying to be positive.  I apologize.  But I’m not sorry enough to revise my list.  I know for a fact the aforementioned on my shit list read every word of this, except for my stepdad but that’s only because I’m not sure he can even read….

Don’t judge me.  Those are horrible fucking people who don’t do the world any good.  The worst on that list is likely Badge.  He tried to ruin his stepson’s life the same way my stepdad tried to ruin mine.

If YOU reading this right now have any kind of designs on making your child’s life unmanageable for any other reason than you’re a stagnant fucking piece of shit, then put your name on that list.  I’m coming for you too.

*     *     *

Alright friends and liars.  You take care.  Next time you’re feeling like shit, do something to make someone you love feel good.  It works ok?  I’m not just spouting.  Before you send your hateful email or leave your shitty comment, stop.  Ask yourself what’s really bothering you.  THEN SEND YOUR SHITTY EMAIL ANYWAY!  Just kidding.  Seriously.  Anyone can change.  Anyone can become a better person.  I find ways to get better every damn day.  It works.

I’ve never been more excited about my future than I am today.  I get it now.  I’m not going to let my history become my destiny.  I get it.  Making obnoxious shirts wasn’t one of my finer moments.  But I learned.  I won’t be stupid enough to do something like that again, unless I’m under the influence of substances.  But I don’t do them anymore.  I haven’t so much as smoked a cigarette since 2015.  I’ve noticed a monumental difference in my breathing and energy level.  Now I have to get in shape.  I look like a bloated lesbian.

I want better.  I’ll always want better and I’ll never ever be satisfied.  I’ll always want to be a better person.  I’ll never ever ever be good enough.  I love my friends.  When I say love you best understand I mean love.  I’ll go through walls for them.  I don’t have a single FRIEND (not vague acquaintance although they got it good too) who doubts my commitment to them.  But I can always be better.  And I’ll always work on being better.

There will never come a day when everyone who reads this blog will understand.  That is ok too.  I’ll be what you need in your life to get better.  I’ll be your friend.  I’ll be your inspiration.  I’ll be your role model.  I’ll also make you wish you were never fucking born.  I will frustrate you into psychosis.

I love you all.  That is the honest truth.  Regardless of your intentions out here, you all feed me.  From the fan to the big mouth to the one hiding in shadows.  I don’t need you to speak up to feel validated.  Because I know you’re there.  I know it hurts, but accept it.

I have a homework assignment for you all.  Now I am not taking credit for this, but I know for a fact that it works.  DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING FOR 24 HOURS.  I swear to a Christ that doesn’t exist, that you will see measurable changes in your life.

Peace out guys.  Love hard and see you soon.

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