Vow Or Sever

I’m pretty sure I’ve given up on changing the colour of the font to dumb down my literature.  Fact.

I’m 3 days away from April 1st.  While that may be a joke day for some, it’s going to mark a new era for me.

I vow to never own a dishwasher.  What a complicating pile of shit that is.  Not only do you need an engineering degree to operate one, but it just confuses dynamics everywhere.  It’s like, yo are these clean?  Look at this?  Does that look clean to you?  No?  Fuck!  Oh wait yes it is.  Someone just didn’t rinse properly before putting it in there.  Or oh fuck someone put dirty dishes in with the clean dishwasher.  Or uh oh the dishwasher has to be emptied.  Or it has to be filled.

Eliminate the fucking dishwasher from the equation.  What a stupid fucking invention.  The thing doesn’t even clean your dishes properly unless you rinse the fuck out of them first.  If you’re going to go through an epic productive hellride just to get your dishes clean you’re just better off doing them by hand.  Unless you’re a guitar player like me and don’t want to destroy your hands.  And if you’re anything like me you probably hate wearing gloves as much as I hate wearing a condom.  Of course not wearing a condom only ever got me STDs and unwanted children.  Also let’s face it, the dishwasher just ends up becoming a sanctuary for dirty dishes.  Out of sight out of mind right?

I vow to stop giving my energy to idiots.  The other day Queen Hell happened to notice me emailing someone I had managed to successfully eliminate from my life.  She said something about it.  I explained to her I was just placating him.  Some fucktards just want your attention and they’ll behave.  I find this to be the case much too often.  There is something about my energy that people eat like an Ethiopian vampire.  That ends.  What’s the point?  My time is mine.

I vow to stop looking like a bloated lesbian.  This is disgusting.  Each day that passes I get even more enlightened.  I have to take better care of myself.



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2 Comments so far:

  1. Swanson says:

    No shit dumbass! You got the hottest lady on the planet and you look like a bloated lesbian! I still have a 6-pack motherfucker! It’s not from eating 7-11 and too much beer and sitting around!

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Posted by: Doug Hell on