Abandoning Echoes

Last blog before the computer is packed up.  Gee Doug Hell, could you be any more dramatic?  Yes.  Yes I could.  I’m giddy with excitement.  I haven’t tingled like this in a long time.  I just want to thank my friends in the Durham Region for respecting my need for solitude.  I love you guys.  No offense, but if you want me to come back to this area, you’re going to have to pay me.  I’m dead serious.  Love hard, people.

It seems my vow to sever ties with people have offended (wait for it) toxic people.  I’m not trying to offend anyone.  Too many people think it’s just them.  Well you’re not the only one.  I just want things to be crystal clear.  And I am not centering anyone out.  This is very important for you to understand.  I’m not throwing stones.  As a general message to everyone, just naturally assume you are not welcome in my presence unless I invite you.  This is not a threat.  There are no contingencies in place.  Should you choose to disrespect me and barge into my presence anyway, the only recompense you’ll receive from me is a debilitating lack of energy.  And we all know there is no energy like my energy. 🙂

There are few things in life more exhilarating than revelations in self-awareness, at least for me.  I don’t get a lot of credit for the demons I’ve conquered.  Not even from me.   I think it’s every human being’s responsibility to become a better person without accolades.  I’m not accepting awards for quitting smoking.  I’m not taking a chip for quitting drinking.  If your negative behaviour is an imposition on someone else’s happiness and you continue to be detrimental, then you should be shot and pissed on.  There is no hope for you.  You should never ever derive satisfaction from abusing people.

Let me explain.

I understand that some people are born defective and ill-equipped to deal with life through no fault of their own, other than being born.  But it all boils down to orientation.  A pedophile doesn’t choose to be attracted to children any more than a man chooses to be attracted to another man.  You’re born that way.  Some people were born inclined to crush the skulls of small animals.  It’s not their fault.

But you always have a choice, motherfucker.  You can succumb to your inclinations and become a monster, or you can spank that fucking monster daily, thus becoming a warrior in the process.  It’s ok that you want to fuck small boys and abuse small animals.  You can’t help that.  But you CANNOT fuck a small boy or abuse a small animal.  THAT you can help.  Do that and you’ve crossed the line.  Do that and it’s no one’s fault but your own.  You bitched the fuck out and succumbed to your dark desire, thus becoming a monster in the process.    The noblest thing you could do at that point is to blow your own head off.  The world doesn’t need you.

The world DOES NOT need abusive people.  Abuse is not a behaviour moderator.  I have scars up and down my back.  I have emotional scars.  I don’t blame them for the person I am today.  I learned a lot from them and still do, but it wasn’t abuse that made me who I am.  Abuse is a selfish personal fulfillment that you think is making you feel better about being alive.  It isn’t.  It just keeps you alienating from people who actually matter in the grand schemes.  It keeps you uninvited.  Everywhere.

I can only speak personally, but I am done tolerating abuse.  Time isn’t going to heal the debauchery of others anymore.  No one makes overtures to me without answering for their bullshit.  It’s done.  Man the fuck up you cowards.  I’m not going to pay for that shitty little feeling you get when you know you’re being a goof.  And I certainly won’t let you think that I believe that you think you’re being righteous, absolving you of all responsibility.  To think some of you have kids and others who believe in a false version of you.

Well one could argue about me and my relationship with my children.  I’m here for my children.  I’ve been there for my children my whole life.  They always knew and still know today how to find me.  I may not be as receptive to them as they would like because I won’t let their mothers use them as a handcuff, or they have chosen to believe the lies and play victim.  But I’m still here.  And the best fatherly advice I could give them is this….

You DON’T have to give bad people energy.  It doesn’t matter if you grew up with them.  It doesn’t matter if they’re your family.  You don’t owe anyone anything.  You owe it to yourself to be the best person you can be.  You go right ahead and choose to love who you love.

A year and a half ago my estranged son (who I was led to believe was someone else’s) found me on here.  I hadn’t seen him since he was 3.  He’s twenty now.  We have an excellent rapport.  I love him and am very proud of the way he turned out.  He could have believed the lies.  But he spined the fuck up and found me on his own accord.  He met the real me.  We spent a week together when he flew out here from the east coast.  He too writes songs.  He too is universally loved by everyone and keeps it real.

My twin daughters?  I was a fucking awesome father.  The wife?  No, I wasn’t a good husband at all.  I wasn’t present emotionally and never loved her.  But I was an amazing father.  Even after we split up I was omnipresent until she disappeared with them out of the fucking blue.  Recently I got a couple of emails from their mother.  They were scathing and predictable, and completely unfounded.  I responded poorly and received an email from Veronica.  She came out first.  That’s right Veronica.  You came out first and I was never allowed to tell you for some stupid fucking reason.  Veronica sarcastically thanked me “for talking shit about her mom” and her brother.  Again, I was way out of line.

That being said, good luck girls.  There was a time I really loved you.  You were my world.  Other than your mother, there is not one human being alive who knew me that would suggest otherwise.   Even the ones who didn’t like me wouldn’t dare.  But a lot of years have passed.  Every year that went by I cared a little less.  Time does that.  I wish you both nothing but the best, but you’re better off over there and I am better over here.  For the first time in my life I have a woman who I worship.  She will be getting the absolute best version of me now.  I was robbed of a relationship with you guys, and to be frank, I’m done paying for it.

Let’s talk about Queen Hell.  Much like myself, I have watched a person constantly try to become a better person.  Never in my life have I experienced such ferocious love, sometimes to the point of maddening (she’ll kill me for saying that), but if it’s maddening then I can’t think of a more sincere way of loving someone.  We’re well into our third year now.  The love only grows.  It doesn’t stagnate.  We’re constantly challenging each other to become better people.  I love her.  I love her hard, more ferociously than I’ve ever loved a human being.  She and she alone will get the absolute best version of me.

And there you have it.  This is the end of an era.  This is a death knell to toxicity and bullshit.  I’m abandoning all echoes of a bitter past.  This is good bye.

*mic drop*

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3 Comments so far:

  1. Christine says:

    I love you both. I really do.

  2. T says:

    *giggles* Ce n’est qu’un au revoir. <3

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