Edge Of Recompense

Jason Ramone and I had become pretty good friends over the years.  Due to a lack of propinquity, there is an excellent chance I am being a little melodramatic.  He lives in Ottawa.  I met him in Ottawa.  I was a fan of his band.   I live in Toronto.  So it’s hard to say we were uber-tight.  I’m not saying people can’t be friends from a distance, but whatever.  Gotta keep on point here.  I am lord of the tangent.

About 10 years ago Jason and I had a falling out, and it really couldn’t have been over anything more stupid.  Without going into details, it was just one of those things.  I felt that Jason was being out of line.  I pointed that out to him and he responded to me in kind.  Only Jason had a much better example of me being out of line than I did of him.

I was furious.  In true Doug style I parked myself in front of my keyboard and went to work.  I brought my guns to town.

Well naturally I destroyed him.  Words are my bullets and I have an arsenal.  I have moves.  I’m lord of the fucking dance.  The war of words had been declared and I bitch-slapped his pathetic verbal salvo into oblivion.  When the smoke had cleared, Jason was left demoralized, humiliated, and speechless.  I on the other hand, was pleased by my conquest.

A couple months ago I saw Jason on Facebook.  He had me blocked on one of my many old accounts but hadn’t had a chance to unblock me on my newest one.  The battle between us had long been over, and to be honest when we fought, it wasn’t really something that was worth fighting about.

I sent Jason a message apologizing for the verbal beatdown I gave him years ago.  I told him it was in the past and hoped we could at least be cordial again.

He ignored me.  He had seen the message but chose to ignore me.

I sent him another message.  I was as cordial as I could muster.  I explained my behaviour was irresponsible, petulant, and very kneejerk.  It shouldn’t have been taken personally and that life is too short to have animosity toward ANYONE.

He blocked me.

I was dumbstruck.  I had humbled myself to the ninth degree to sincerely apologize to this guy and he just straight up severed me from his life.  This guy was responsible for bringing Radar Hate out to Ottawa at least once a year for some extremely memorable shows.  He always paid us well too, and promoted diligently.  The shows were always very well attended.  I reciprocated by having him to Oshawa as often as possible.

Fact of the matter though, was I said some shitty things to him.  I attacked every aspect of him.  I attacked his taste in women.  I even made specific examples of ex-girlfriends of his.  Those girls had never done me wrong and I never had anything personal against them.  I just wanted to hurt him.  I wanted to hurt him because he called me on my bullshit.  He hurt me legitimately by making good points about my nefarious behaviour.  I in turn maliciously beat him up.   I attacked his dental hygiene.  I attacked his art.

Jason Ramone is legitimately a good person.  I ran him through the fucking dirt because he called me on being an asshole and he was right.  Jason is an activist and genuinely cares about making the world a better place.  He and I could have worked as a team and accomplished great things, but because of my big mouth and suckholishness I aced myself out of having a good friend.

It taught me a valuable lesson too.  I can’t just go running my fucking mouth and expect to be forgiven just because a little time has gone by.  Some people have longer memories than others.  Either way that doesn’t matter.  Good work could have been done had I not acted like a fucking douchebag.  I have no animosity toward Jason for cutting me out of his life.  I do know I will never make that mistake again though.

I’ve done and said a lot of shitty things over the years.  I can safely say that right up until I turned 40 I was quite the cunt.  I’m not saying that I didn’t have moments of greatness.  I’m not saying I haven’t been a good friend and inspiration.  But the fact of the matter is I am irritable, high-strung, and I have a despicable temper.

I have no right to abuse people who don’t agree with me.

I was at my mom’s house the other day.  She told me about a really special song she loved that made her feel good.  She was hoping it would have the same effect on me.

It didn’t.  It was a cover of the country classic, Country Roads, originally by John Denver.  But in this version it was a bunch of modern pop-country artists singing it.

Not only did I hate it, but it pissed me the fuck off.  I hate modern country music.  Every once in a while I’ll catch me liking an obscure Garth Brooks song or some other gay shit, but for the most part I just fucking hate it.

Needless to say I berated my mom for having such shitty taste in music.  What I half expected her to show me was that simulcast of artists all over the world performing Stand By Me.  Now THAT I found riveting.  It gave me the feels in all the right places.

Then I got to thinking, who in the fuck was I to devalue something that made someone else happy?  What?  Because something wasn’t my thing I should ridicule it?

Wow.  I really have to catch myself sometimes.  If someone loves NIckelback, let them love Nickelback.  What lordly right do I have to knock it?

This personal growth is a dangercunt I tell ya.  I genuinely feel bad about wrecking my friendship with Jason.  I genuinely feel bad about shitting all over something that my mom loved.

Bear with me world.  I’ll get there.  Or I’ll die trying.

This was Radar Hate’s most memorable show at The Agora in Ottawa. Here I am leaning on a 19 year old Franky Gogo.

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Posted by: Doug Hell on