The Siren Song Proves Hard To Resist

The guns of God have fired to no avail.  The bullets scream overhead and the Christians sing along.

I am by no means racist towards Christians.  But they’re stupid.  They’re stupid to believe in something so ridiculous.  You Christians go right ahead and believe in your fucking afterlife, but you’re stupid.  Stupid stupid stupid.

But….  Christians for the most part aren’t hurting anyone, with the exceptions of those dirty filthy priests who like to fuck small boys.  Christians are generally good people.  Besides, priests aren’t the only ones who like to fuck small boys.  Those people are everywhere.  Teachers, hockey coaches, policemen…

*     *     *

I was committed to a long term mental facility called B’nai B’rith Cottage when I was 15.  Maybe I was 14.   When you’re a tad fucked in the head, what difference does it make?  Back then I couldn’t understand why I was there.  My darkness never said goodbye to me.  It lives on, and it thrives.

But looking back, it should have been my life that ended.  I should have known better.  Words I wished for should have been taken back, and now I live with my mistakes.  I am poor.  I am destitute, and I will continue to be until I die.  This doesn’t get better.  Whenever I set upon the right path I’m derailed by my own sick self.

*     *     *

I know you’re watching me.

*     *      *

You’ve taken over my world.  I can’t be happy unless you’re happy.  I’ve betrayed all my good judgement to hold your hand.

*     *     *

Floating like a ghostman.  I understand now.  I never understood before.  But I do now.  I’ve been fighting all the wrong enemies.  I’ve been catering to the wrong friends.

*     *     *

Flowers for the rapture.

*     *     *

The winter is on fire.  Spring is here to stake its claim, but the winter will not go quietly.  We march forward, daring the sky to fall.  We hold each other close.  All track of time has been lost.  Neither of us have been here before.

The sun has turned black.  We have arrived,  But now we don’t know if we’re coming and going.  Who the fuck really knows?

*      *      *

When I was 30 I was diagnosed with schizo-effective disorder.  That’s bullfuckingshit.  I’m tired of all this shit.  Fuck the shrinks.  Fuck the therapists (the rapists?!).  It’s my right to decide what the lights in the sky are.  Just because I see and hear things that YOU don’t, it doesn’t mean I am crazy.  It means I am fortunate.  It means there are things only I have the right to see and hear.  Fuck you for telling me I am crazy.

Funny how every time there is a “crazy” person preaching on the street.  Everything he said before he was dragged away by cops made perfect fucking sense.  Some of the greatest minds I’ve ever come across have been in the puzzle factory.

If I am suffering from grief and I need help dealing with it, I will talk to another person who has overcome grief.  Not a fucking stupid fucking shitsucking fucking therapist who gets paid handsomely to listen to people’s problems.

I stopped going to my psychiatrist the day I found out that he believed in God.  If I want to talk about the horrors of war, I’ll talk to a veteran, not watch a movie.

*     *     *

Keep yourself alive.

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Posted by: Doug Hell on