A friend of mine, Brumley, told me some shit once that resonated in my conscience for a long, long time. I can’t paraphrase him but it was at Get Bent Summer Solstice Festival. I just finished my set in the late afternoon. Naturally I behaved like a buffoon onstage and managed to turn the whole crowd on me. It’s a shtick, right? I mean it’s just my thing? I don’t think so. It’s just a grown man behaving badly; There is no shtick. I am a monster.
On this blessed day, Brumley told me that I needed to leave the internet. Leave it completely. According to him I was a stand -up guy and often misunderstood because my internet behaviour was abhorred by just about everyone who wasn’t me. I argued that I hated it too. I just seemed powerless over my monk lust to shoot myself in the foot. He assured me nonetheless if I terminated my internet presence, then everything would be ok.
I wasn’t positive I wanted everything to be ok. I looked at Brumley. Brumley was an amiable, and approachable fellow. He was universally liked by everyone, it seemed. But he was obese. He partook in the consumption of hard drugs regularly and often. He was the type of person who would schmooze your girlfriend when you weren’t watching. But he was likable. He had a loud jovial laugh and he smiled a lot. Having a jovial laugh and friendly smile seems to be the only requisites to being a good guy today. I’d rather not be a good guy.
* * *
I jammed last night with a fellow I’ve known since the 90s. It was decent fun. I’m not impressed by his reliance on substances to enjoy himself but we were in HIS home. Other than politely offer me some beer and hash he didn’t force the issue and didn’t need to know why I wasn’t partaking. I can get behind that.
He’s a capital fellow nonetheless and I look forward to jamming with him again. We were jamming on stoner rock riffs. I’m not a very comfortable “jammer”. I write orchestrally. I find jamming for people fumbling around like dumb puppies looking for goodies. Those goodies kinda come to me before I even touch a guitar. Then I do my best to present the sum of those very goodies in a manner I am comfortable with. It sure isn’t for everyone. It’s really hard not to be such a dictator when you’re already at point Z while people are still fumbling around at point H. This isn’t a judgement. I’m just trying to be direct. Being direct isn’t the way of the good guy. The good guy pretends to love all the bullshit that is being fed to him. The good guy will smile and lie and everything is honky dory. I’m not a good guy.
* * *
I need to get out of the house more and I’m working on it. It’s an extremely rare occurrence in which my bowels actually work properly. But there really is something about getting out of the house that makes the days a little more substantial. I’ve gotten way too addicted to being alone. I would say that it’s the most addictive thing I’ve ever been addicted too This is one battle that will by bloody. Quitting smoking was a hellride. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
I don’t know if I can walk away from solitude. I try to reason that it’s not hurting anyone. But if I am sitting on my ass 24/7 playing guitar and being a goof on the internet, then I’m hurting others and my own physical well-being. I’m gonna try to take a walk down to the gym on Monday. I’ve been paying for it since May and I’ve gone once.
* * *
I’m working on getting all my music back on here. I’m toying with the idea of leaving Youtube. I’ve been sending out all my albums by the bushel. I’m uncomfortable with sources like Bandcamp and Spotify. Even Youtube. I don’t want any entity profiting from MY art. I am small potatoes. There are more bands better suited to skim from who actually don’t even notice or don’t care. I do.
The Youtube thing bothers me too because of the trolls. I know that sounds funny coming from Lord Troll himself but I’m doing my best now to can my negative behaviour. I don’t expect to just be forgiven. I’m a very forgiving person. I always forgive my enemies. I just don’t let them into my book anymore. But that doesn’t mean I want to engage in acrimonious squabbling either. I’m not going to be blithe and mention life is too short. I just discovered on my own that the negative interactions of any atmosphere spill into my personal life more than I realized. It’s not fair to others.
* * *
Well that’s enough vapid self-reflection for today. This is going to be a long battle. But it’s a battle that is going to begin with me and end in infinity.
Thanks for coming out folks.