Looks like my active projects are on ice for now.  I don’t know what the hell is going on.  I do know this is karma.  I was the guy who always left things hanging in the ether.  I was the guy who wouldn’t allow any of my mates to enjoy the peace of mind and stability of knowing they were a part of something special.  There is no fault here.  No one person is to blame.  It’s just hard to make plans from the shadows and implement them in the light without incident.

I’m not as hard as people think that I think I am.  I’m extremely sensitive.  I know I do a lot more damage than good at times but I’ve been trying to work on that.  I feel I’ve been successful.

I think I’ve been going about this all wrong.  I want to like the people in my band.  I like playing with people who I can handle spending time with because there are not a lot of those people.  I’m not a snob.  I was just brought into this world less equipped to deal with life than the more fortunate.

I realize I am middle-aged  But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to play punk rock.  It doesn’t stop me from wanting to get on a stage.  These are my straight edge days.  I don’t participate in indulgence.  I just want to play music.  I want to do it live.  I want to make records.

I’m beginning to understand that I can’t expect everyone to be like me.  But I’m also defiant enough to think that I am entitled access to people who don’t need to drink to get through their days.  It’s getting harder to find.  Am I overstating my entitlement by expecting people to want to rehearse a couple nights a week?

I realize I am not a prize.  I’m a bit of a party pooper.  I don’t drive.  But there are things I do that don’t really make an appearance in the mind of my mates.  I’m constantly working on quality music.  I’m keeping in touch with promoters and other people of relevance.  I book shows.  I write quality music.  I spend hours programming drums to map out song ideas.   I scour the forums looking for like-minded units to work with and help build a scene.  There is actually a lot that I do that makes up for the fact I don’t drive.

I’m beginning to accept that i can’t have it all.  I’m also beginning to accept that it just isn’t going to work with certain people, and that fucking stings because i am emotionally invested in these people.  But I have to start thinking of myself.  I think it’s also fair to mention that not everyone has the kind of time that I have.  People work.  People have families.  I would never fault them for that.  I’m just trying to make a point that I’m not some immobile drooling albatross who doesn’t contribute.

I’m not giving up.  I don’t care how long it takes.  I’ll find something that works for me.

The same can be said for life.  I have to start thinking of me.  Living with conditions is just a part of life.  I get that.  But for a person who expects so fucking little to be happy, that just doesn’t work.  I’m not selfish for wanting to live in peace existentially, as well as mentally.  I realize I am fortunate to even be alive or not be living on the street or staying at the Mission.

It’s time for a change.

So I’ve been having a good deal of fun on Instagram.  You can follow me on there if you want.  There is a link  in the contact section.  Don’t expect anything insightful from me.  I don’t take it seriously at all.  I’m just a ham.  I try to keep it light and fun. There is a time to be serious.  I just don’t know when that time is.

I am sensual.

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