I’m an idiot. I was doomed to be an idiot. And I’m even more doomed in accepting my idiocy as a part of me. As a part of my 2018 resolution, I resolved to be less an idiot, more a mentor. But unless you’re an idiot, there is nothing I can teach you. Well that isn’t true. Just take note of what I’m doing and don’t do it that way.
Let’s face it. I’m wise. I’m extremely wise. When you live with reckless abandon and manage to somehow still be alive, you have no choice but to get wise.
Wisdom aside, I’m an idiot. I’ll always be an idiot. But you know what? It suits me. I’m high strung. I’m as grouchy as a bear. I’m lazy. If I didn’t have an incredible woman I’d be eating chip sandwiches and living in a garbage pile of empty chip and bread bags. There would be no one to tell me that I stink and that I need a shower.
This is my life. I’ve accepted it.
Perhaps I can at least try and cut down on being an idiot. But I’ve spent my whole god damn life being an idiot. I can’t think of a single era in my past that I wasn’t an idiot-almost always.
There’s a certain liberty in accepting your idiocy. It makes it a little easier to live with yourself. It’s hard not being an idiot when you’re so amused by your idiocy.
Take this week for example. I’ve lived in my apartment in Hamilton for almost a year. When I first moved into the dump I’m living in, my landlords totally fucked me over. After I had already paid several months rent in good faith because of bad credit, they turned around and told me it would cost me 150$ a month for every air-conditioner unit I ran in the summer. I was furious. From that day I went to hyper vigilante mode.
The other day my landlady came by to find out why my heat wasn’t working. They keep the thermostat locked. I thought it was illegal to do that. Turns out it’s not but I didn’t find that out till later after making myself look like a fucking moron.
When she came by I videotaped her messing with the thermostat to prove she kept it locked. I’m not very tech savvy so I just did a live Facebook feed because I have a lot of experience video taping myself because I’m a gnarly dude.
Well she got wind of the video pretty quick and sent me a text letting me know she called the cops on me for video taping her. I responded by making statuses asking what the most power suckingest appliances I could use to run up the hydro were. I mean I did that because I knew she was watching. Then she started sending me screenshots of my Facebook.
Intimidation tactics. Meh. Anyway the whole thing could have been avoided, and as usual I made things ten million times worse because of my big mouth.
So Trole told me that I need to apologize less. But I am going to have to ignore him in this instance because I’m at fault. That being said, regardless of everything that transpired or whoever’s fault it was….
I’m still an idiot.
That being said, fuck my stupid slum lord landlords. Fuck this stupid cockroach hotel. Fuck this neighbourhood. Fuck Jesus Christ. Fuck everyone who isn’t me and fuck all the people in the world who aren’t idiots! Fuck Dave Grohl! Let the idiots take over, and this world will run like a well-oiled machine.
And I am sorry. I’m sorry that people can’t mind their own fucking business. I’m sorry people can’t let happy people be happy. I’m sorry ugly people hate beautiful people for the simple fact they are fortunate enough to be beautiful. I’m sorry for all the despicable cumstains. I’m sorry that people can’t be fucking real and let other live in peace. I’m sorry that I’ll be your whipping boy because you can’t admit your life is a pile of shit. It’s easier to blame me than stand up to the real problems. Sorry Trole but I’m apologizing again.
I don’t fucking bother anyone. And get that thought out of your head. You came to me. You came here. You’re reading. I’m not kicking your fucking door in and shoving my opinion down your throat.
I’m sweet, humble, and a gentleman to people in person and the real world. The internet is an outlet for the grotesque and evil Doug Hell to run rampant and fuck up everyone’s day. But I don’t come to you.
Seriously people. Fuck off. This is my stage. Everyone wants to be a part of the act. But you won’t be doing it on my stage.