Sorry for the lack of updates, all 4 of you.
So I’m 50 now. My musical career is dead in the water. I’m still officially a member of Green Jelly but that… doesn.t… mean… anything. Everyone is a fucking member of Green Jelly. I know GJ like to clown about how untalented they are, but the bar keeps getting lower. If you show up to a show early and see Bill Manspeaker laying around, he’ll let you be in the band for something as simple as letting him borrow your phone charger. Bonus points if you’re dressed in a costume somewhere between a totem pole and a parade float.
I want to say I’m hyper-focused on doing my own thing musically but that’s not true either. My inspiration comes and goes. I have a fiddle player now too. We’re looking at getting a couple more guitar players, a percussionist, and a female vocalist who excels at gospel style harmonies.
So that’s Doug Hell & His Problems.
In January I released my absolutely terrible record, Magical Misery Tour. It was a very successful release. We raised 580 dollars for the Canadian Mental Health Association. This is the first I’m saying of it. When you are trying to help you don’t brag about it. When you’re handing out cheeseburgers to the homeless you should leave the video camera at home. Posting a receipt and a donation of my smug face winking ain’t good.
So Doug Hell & His Problems is still playing shows. We’re at it again in September in Hamilton. September 9th at Vetagogo. It’s a new all-ages venue. Come out. Bring your kids. It’s a multi-genre show so I like to think there is a little sumthin’ for everyone. Maybe not pop-country. That’s not a judgement. I just don’t think the genre will be represented on this particular night.
So there is Doug Hell & His Problems playing with other street-level bands who at this point are doing it for the love. That’s fine. Playing in an original band is 40% inspiration and 60% an expensive hobby. We have studio access now which is nice.
So now it’s time to make money. This is something I should have been doing for a while but to be honest I was just never really confident that I could. I’m not the same devil-may-care phoney I was up until recently as five years ago. I’ve really grown and humbled.
My fiddle player, Hack(someone is laughing their ass off at that) and I, are putting a project together and are going to do covers. We’re going to take our favourite songs and make them our own the same way Johnny Cash did on the American Recordings. So far we have songs by The Cure, Depeche Mode, Echo And The Bunnymen, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Johnny Cash, The Pogues, Pink Floyd, Ramones…..
That’s where the money is. For the last 20 years of my life I’ve been extremely fortunate to reap a disability pension due to my mental inadequacies. I’m allowed to make a certain amount of loot as long as I’m forthcoming with my worker. I didn’t know this previously. Cover bands get paid and they get paid well. MOST people want to ear familiarity live. Something they can sing along to.
I’m a little embarrassed. In 2023 I adopted a nihilist attitude about pretty much everything. All I felt was doom. I thought I would be destitute for the rest of my life. I’ve tried sporadically for the last 20 years to get a real job. It’s always failed horrendously. In fact, before finally qualifying for disability in 2002 after copious mental ward stays, I had never ever ever held a job down for more than a few months.
Meanwhile I’ve spent the last 30 years of my life honing a trade. Music. There is money to be made with music. It’s just not going to be with my originals. But why can’t I play more mainstream songs and make them my own the way Johnny Cash did in the last 10 years of his life? I’m literally in a great position to do this. Performing doesn’t give me anxiety. The before and after does. Especially being sober.
So no more sitting around crying in my cookies waiting to die. My best years are ahead of me. I love getting old. I love getting grey. No sarcasm. I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been. I’m aging gracefully.
No more blubbering. My life has never looked this good. I’ve achieved a lot more than I give myself credit for. I’ve seen music as something that had to die so I could get on with my life. That’s not true. I’m the one who has to die. My music is going to live forever. I will continue to create my own. But in order to survive I’m going to collaborate with the successful artists who were fortunate enough to have their art sustain them.
Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that I’ve been single since 2021. That may not seem spectacular to you but believe me, it is. I’m very happy on my own and not having my heart beholden to anyone romantically. Autosexuality comes with its perks. For the most part my relationships were only ever a thing because of my own perceived arrogance and insecurity. I had to be in a relationship with a conventionally beautiful woman for no other reason that she was an extension of ME and made ME look good. But let’s be real, people drive me crazy.
I’m not admitting out loud that I’m a narcissist. The checklist doesn’t line up. But I just don’t care anymore. I want to be happy. I don’t need to break myself in half trying to create the illusion of happiness. That’s rather fucked. There are far too many people doing that.
Ultimately? None of my business.
I also don’t want to get all fucking insane pretending like I’m some fucking god out here to validate myself. But I do want to be honest. I’m not superhuman. I’m sensitive. I’m gentle. I love what I do. I’m amazing at what I do. But man do I suck at the majority of reality-based things. lol
I want to thank everyone for their patience. These revelations don’t come easy. I’m also trying to amend with people I hurt during my survival years. It was never personal. I was terrified. I was insecure. I was weak and I did whatever I had to, to not get hurt. I’ve done some awful things. I’ve manipulated and gaslit people into oblivion to stay safe, or what I believed to be safe.
There is a reason I’ve jumped from sinking ship to sinking ship my whole like. It’s not mental illness. It’s me.
I love you all.
In kindness,
DH
