That’s right.

You pea-brain metal heads need to get that through your thick skulls.

Let me preface this rant by saying I’m not the authority on what’s good, or bad.  At best I’m an uninformed citizen, and a torrid fan of music.  I love it all.  I like to think there is something good in everything.  Also I can appreciate talent, hard work, and a good performance.

By conventional definition however, it’s safe to say I’m not a Metallica fan.  Do I think they suck?  No.  They have definite moments of magic for me.  But usually I am corrupting the integrity of the Metallica worshipping narrative.  My favourite song of theirs is that one they did with Marianne Faithful.  Don’t recall the name.  In fact I don’t even know if that was the only collaboration.  I’m too lazy to fact check.  But fact checking is not important when you’re just talking shit.

Over my years of being a music fan I noticed a vernacular with Metallica fans.  The first five records are the only ones worth a piss.  Cliff Burton was their best bass player.  You can’t hear the bass on In Justice For All.  The black album ruined them.  That snare sound on St. Anger….  Speaking of which, the aforementioned record double ruined them.

And Lars Ulrich sucks.

This is based on what, exactly?  As previously stated, I’m no fucking Metallica fan.  Don’t get me started on the people who champion them because it somehow makes them feel like a badass.  But I will never look at Metallica with the same apathy I do for a band like Queens Of The Stone Age, or my ire of a band like the Foo Fighters.

I really want to know how Lars sucks and why thinking so is an important part of a metalhead’s credo.  Does he suck because he sued Napster?  Does he suck because he is an incandescent control freak?  Does he suck because he has a dweeby little face people want to punch?

I ask this because it’s not his talent, or lack of.  As no fan of Metallica I can state he doesn’t suck.  I’d kill for a drummer like Lars Ulrich.  He’s a juggernaut live.  He has great song ideas that compliment already formidable ones.  He cares about the sanctity of the Metallica brand.  He didn’t take James Hetfield’s whiney bullshit in Some Kind Of Monster.  I don’t really like to rely on documentaries for reality based fantasias, and to be fair I’m only going by what I observed.  Even without the help of direction, James seemed to be passive aggressively abusive.  Sure Lars’ mere existence is annoying as hell, but I felt like he was the voice of reason.

So what if he sued Napster.  Napster should have been sued.  I’m sure 75% of people who make their living off of music agreed but just didn’t have the spine to say something.  Man can I ever relate to that.  When everyone agrees with what you’re saying but keeps mum in fear of upsetting balance built on the foundation of being as fake as Jack The Bear.

Lars doesn’t suck.  There is no proven barometer to measure suckage.  You can like it, or not.  But it doesn’t suck.  Annoying little Lars is no exception.

Let’s talk a little more about the Metallica bible.  I think that when it comes to raw talent (not traditionalism) Rob Trujillo dusts Cliff on the bass.  Ooops.  Metallica vocal faux pas.  We Metallica fans and metalheads in general don’t say that out loud.  You SUCK, Doug Hell.  YOU SUCK.  But you can say I suck, that doesn’t mean it’s true.  I literally have ten fans who will disagree with you.  Lars has millions of fans who disagree with you too when you say he sucks.

Nothing sucks.  It’s what you like, and what you don’t like.  You can say you hate something, or you’re not a fan of it.  But You can’t say it sucks.

Except for sensationalism mongering.  That sucks.

Make the world better instead of sucking.