Life has been weird.

I’m extremely happy and it’s foreign to me. Where to begin.

Someone told me the other day there is only one reason you can be friends with exes. It’s that if you are still in love with them, or you were never in love to begin with. That hit hard.

I’m in love now. And it’s become abundantly clear to me that I’ve never been in love. I was a selfish locust jumping from rock to rock. One foot out the door.

Two months ago I started taking a new anti-psychotic. It’s changed my life. The changes are subtle but immense. My general irritability is gone. I’m patient. I don’t hear voices. I’m not paranoid. I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to verbally smite anyone who I have a minor disagreement with. I’m not crippled with anxiety.

The thankfulness I feel is immeasurable. Had I discovered this wonderdrug twenty years ago, my life would look very different.

Unfortunately with the clarity comes accountability of my former self. But also, I’m not exactly accountable for my past anymore, just going forward. That is what matters in the grand scheme of things.

Music right now is kinda just running on autopilot, much like everything else in my life. When you’re in love you just want to be in love. You just wanna fuck. You wanna spend time together. You don’t have to fill voids with fitness, music, and debauchery. You just want to be in love and be present for the person you’re in love with. Don’t think for a second that there is a negative side to it. Like I said, you kinda forget about taking care of yourself when really you should be trying to be the best version of yourself for the person who deserves it.

My biological father is coming down to visit for a couple months. Then I’ll be flying back to British Columbia with him. I’ve never been out west or on a plane.

My true love will be coming with me and I’m glad she is the one I get to do that with. I’m glad she is the one I got ten years worth of taxes done with. I’m glad she’s the one I paid my driving fines with. I’m glad she is the one I repaired my credit with. And of course this wouldn’t have been possible without my dad’s help. So thanks, Dad. I’m sorry my mother painted you out to be a monster. If it makes you feel better, I never believed it. Thankfully I went through my own version of hell to understand completely.

At the risk of sounding like a monster, it was a small price to pay to be this happy.